Dick Masterson quotes

Dick Masterson is a popular podcaster, author, and comedian known for his controversial and humorous takes on various social issues. With a loyal following of fans, Masterson's podcasts and books have garnered a wide audience. His witty and satirical commentary has made him a prominent figure in the world of comedy. Whether you love him or hate him, there's no denying that Dick Masterson is a force to be reckoned with in the entertainment industry. Stay connected with all things Dick Masterson by tuning in to his podcasts and following him on social media.

Out of all the problems that have ever or will ever exist on the Earth, there is only one that men haven’t and will never be able to solve — not because they can’t, because that’s ridiculous, but because the problem is unsolvable by design. Women hate sex.

- Dick Masterson

In Chinese, the symbol for crisis is the same as opportunity. I haven’t looked that up, but I heard it from a man so it’s probably true because us men have something called integrity.

- Dick Masterson

In a time of crisis, we men are at our show stopping best. Take a flat tire on a moonless night for instance. While a man is out changing nuts and bolts and doing all manner of screwing on the side of the road, will a woman so much as think to grab a flashlight and help? No. That’s because women hate holding flashlights, because they are complete rubbish at it. Force a woman to hold a flashlight when it matters and you’re likely to catch her aiming it into the sky for absolutely no goddamn reason. You’re better off just duct taping it to a mailbox and catapulting it into space.

- Dick Masterson

Do women hate sex — and they do — because of some kind of woman-guilt from an outdated puritan societal dogma? Or perhaps a stigma of guilt or a fear of abandonment? No. None of these things are it. Women hate sex simply because they are lousy at it.

- Dick Masterson

Scientific research has shown that a husband who is allowed to sleep around is actually more faithful in the long run. I think that science was conducted at a tautology research center because I don’t see how it couldn’t be true. The point is: men want to bang more than one partner.

- Dick Masterson

No amount of whining and wishful thinking is going to pull your ass out of a coma. How often does anyone go the hospital anyway? Like once a lifetime?

- Dick Masterson

Marriage is like quicksand. Sometimes you don’t even know you’re stuck in it until the last part of you sticking out of the quagmire is your hand. That’s when a priest comes along and slides a ring on your finger.

- Dick Masterson

Lesbians don’t have relationships. They have extended emotional chess games where every piece is a pawn.

- Dick Masterson

In every couple, one of the parties wants to get married more than the other.

- Dick Masterson

Don’t live together. There’s no good reason to live together. It doesn’t save money. It doesn’t save time on driving back from her (or his?) house when you’re done boning her (or him again?). All it does is create a Petri dish for fighting and bullshit. Living together is like making a hot salami and pastrami sandwich made entirely of bullshit and fighting. It’s one layer of fighting, and then one layer of bullshit, and so on until you can’t see the top of it any longer.

- Dick Masterson

Don't get a dog together. Women have tried to snare us men with dogs since the beginning of time. Sharing the responsibility of another life form is almost as binding as a legal contract.

- Dick Masterson

At one point, having a mistress was seen as perfectly normal. If you made more than the modern day equivalent of 10 million dollars, you were allowed to have a couple broads on the side. Well women fucked that up. Just look at poor Tiger Woods.

- Dick Masterson

Fucking two things up at the same time isn't multitasking.

- Dick Masterson

Beer makes all jokes funny. Beer makes ugly and fat women attractive, which is something ugly women can't do for themselves, because they're too busy getting fat. Beer is also refreshing and a good listener.

- Dick Masterson

Women think buying a guitar and playing a guitar is the same thing. Women think not enjoying the blowjob she drunkenly gave her coworker during the Christmas party makes her a faithful wife. If she didn’t like it, it didn’t happen.

- Dick Masterson

Women don’t use logic like men do. And without logic, you can’t be right. You can only be a lucky pain in the ass.

- Dick Masterson

Women are like dogs. If they can’t feel you yanking on their emotional leash and telling them to calm the fuck down about shit they don’t understand, they’ll lose their goddamn minds. Have you ever met a woman who was a humanitarian crusader? Did she seem happy to you? No.

- Dick Masterson

Women are like a broken clocks with tits. When 11:37 rolls around, she seems like the smartest set of tits on Earth. But that’s why God only intended sex to last 14 minutes. Otherwise, women would have all day to call the shots instead of just the time it takes to give your junk a sink bath.

- Dick Masterson

Women are always wrong. Women get lucky from time to time and act like complete cunts about it, but remember this: even if a woman is right, she’s wrong.

- Dick Masterson

Without logic, you can’t be reasoned with or convinced in any way. You can’t understand the difference between feelings and rational thought, beyond the fact that both are coming out of someone’s mouth, and if that’s all it takes to be a good argument, I might as well start calling my cock Henry Kissinger! Actually, I am going to do that now.

- Dick Masterson

When you argue with a woman, you are effectively saying you have nothing better to do today than waste your time. Check your penis at the door, kemo sabe. She’s not listening, she won’t do shit if you don’t do what she says, and nothing in the world will make her happy.

- Dick Masterson

Stop dating chicks that aren’t going to fuck you!

- Dick Masterson

Money is an aphrodisiac. Paying for drinks, paying for movie tickets, paying for any bullshit no matter how cheap it is will get a lady’s humper pumping. That’s a guarantee.

- Dick Masterson

In all seriousness, always pay for a girl’s abortion. Or make sure you physically see the receipt.

- Dick Masterson

I am 100% right when I say women love being told their place in life — especially hot women.

- Dick Masterson

As I explained last year, new year’s resolutions are for ladies. They’re for people who get as much personal satisfaction out of intending to better themselves than actually doing it.

- Dick Masterson

Animals are meant to be killed by human men. It doesn’t matter if you’re going to eat them or stuff them full of candy and play a practical man-joke on kids.

- Dick Masterson

Animals are just like computers. They have no soul and no mystical sense of anything beyond what goes in their stomachs. 'Animal rights' is a profitable misnomer invented by women just like every other 'humanitarian' movement that all follow one simple theme: Bitches will get uncomfortable if they can’t feel the end of their leash.

- Dick Masterson

You know why most gyms don’t allow you to wear jeans while you work out? It’s not because of men, or me specifically who has been turned away three times for trying. It’s because if women were allowed to wear jeans to the gym, they’d also wear high heels and tube tops that matched and then stand around waiting for someone to buy them a drink.

- Dick Masterson

You know how you can tell if a woman’s just been to the gym? She’s got a feedbag full of potato chips strapped to her face.

- Dick Masterson