George Carlin quotes

George Carlin was an American comedian, actor, and author who left an indelible mark on stand-up comedy. Known for his controversial and thought-provoking routines, he fearlessly tackled societal norms and challenged authority. Carlin rose to fame with his seven dirty words routine, pushing the boundaries of censorship. His razor-sharp wit, keen observations, and satirical commentary on language, politics, and religion made him a cult figure in the comedy world. With multiple Grammy awards, Carlin released numerous successful comedy albums and specials. He starred in several TV shows and films, displaying his versatile talent. George Carlin's comedic legacy continues to inspire and entertain generations. Embrace his comedic brilliance and explore his vast body of work.

Life is not measured by the breathes you take, but by the moments that take your breathe away.

- George Carlin

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

- George Carlin

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

- George Carlin

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

- George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

- George Carlin

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.

- George Carlin

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.

- George Carlin

I finally figured out what e-mail is for. It’s for communicating with people you’d rather not talk to.

- George Carlin

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?

- George Carlin

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes... dies.

- George Carlin

Homemade is a myth. You want to know some things that are homemade? Crystal meth. Crack cocaine. A pipe bomb full of nails. Now we're talkin' homemade.

- George Carlin

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

- George Carlin

Everyone smiles in the same language.

- George Carlin

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

- George Carlin

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

- George Carlin

Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.

- George Carlin

And if they tell you you’re not a team player, just congratulate them on being so observant.

- George Carlin

Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.

- George Carlin

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

- George Carlin

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

- George Carlin

In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.

- George Carlin

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

- George Carlin

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.

- George Carlin

I have certain rules I live by. My first rule, I don't believe anything the government tells me. And I don't take very seriously the media or the press in this country.

- George Carlin

I got this real moron thing I do, it's called thinking and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

- George Carlin

I don't think we should be governing ourselves. What we need is a king, and every now and then if the king’s not doing a good job, we kill him.

- George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

- George Carlin

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

- George Carlin

I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

- George Carlin

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

- George Carlin