Oliver Markus Malloy quotes

Oliver Markus Malloy is an author and columnist known for his blunt and humorous writing style. With several best-selling books under his belt, he has garnered a large following for his insightful commentary on modern relationships and society. Oliver's work is often controversial but always thought-provoking, stirring up conversation and debate. His unique perspective and fearless approach have made him a respected voice in the literary world. Follow Oliver Markus Malloy for a refreshing take on life, love, and everything in between.

The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds.

- Oliver Markus Malloy

Wanna know how I know I'm straight? On a 3 week road trip through Scotland right after high school, my best friend (gayyy!) and I slept in the same bed at quaint little B&Bs every night. And nothing ever happened in bed between us, except for the occasional fart. If I was gay, I would have totally fucked the shit out of his cute little gay ass.

- Oliver Markus Malloy

If no one reads your books, are you still an author?

- Oliver Markus Malloy

Patriotism is a gateway drug to fascism. Tribalism is the gateway to racism.

- Oliver Markus Malloy

Only the present is real. The past and the future exist only in our imagination.

- Oliver Markus Malloy

If Jesus came back today, Republicans would stop him at the border.

- Oliver Markus Malloy

If Hollywood was a Republican town, Weinstein would still be president, and he'd still be molesting women.

- Oliver Markus Malloy

If God created man in his image, does God have a functioning penis? And does God manually handle every penis he creates? Or does he outsource the job to penis-manufacturing elves?

- Oliver Markus Malloy

If aliens wanted to exterminate us, they wouldn't send a fleet of spaceships or a Deathstar. They'd just send one guy with a deadly virus.

- Oliver Markus Malloy

If abortion is murder then blowjobs are cannibalism.

- Oliver Markus Malloy

If 'Fifty Shades' is your idea of a good book, you have no idea what a good book is.

- Oliver Markus Malloy

I wanna see Trump tell people it's 'just the flu' while wearing a face mask. I just wanna see him wear a mask while he tells us it's nothing to worry about.

- Oliver Markus Malloy

I bet the people living in the timeline where Hillary is president are laughing at us. They’re probably sipping lattes and giggling: 'Imagine if Trump had won! Can you even imagine what that clusterfuck would look like?' But even in their wildest dreams they wouldn’t come up with the unimaginable clusterfuck that our timeline is.

- Oliver Markus Malloy

How come there's no commandment that says 'Thou shalt not rape'? Did God ask Mary for consent before he put a baby in her? Or was God Christianity's first rapist?

- Oliver Markus Malloy

Guns make losers feel like winners. That's why people who suck at life don't want to give up their guns.

- Oliver Markus Malloy

Guns don't kill people. Gun owners kill people.

- Oliver Markus Malloy

Fun Fact: You know who invented the term Fake News? Not Trump. It was Hitler. Look it up. Hitler loved to describe any newspaper that exposed him for what he was as Lügenpresse, which is German for Fake News.

- Oliver Markus Malloy

Evil doesn't actually exist. It's just an abstract concept we use to describe shitty behavior. It's an idea, a concept, a thought, not a thing.

- Oliver Markus Malloy

Everyone thinks they are above average, which is statistically impossible. There have to be below average writers. But nobody sees themselves that way. That means there are a whole lot of bad writers out there, who don't even know it.

- Oliver Markus Malloy

Every time a young girl gets raped, it's proof that there is no God. What kind of a God would just twiddle his thumbs and watch, while his daughter gets raped?

- Oliver Markus Malloy

Every time a dog humps your leg, you're being raped. #metoo

- Oliver Markus Malloy

Do flat-earthers believe that other planets are also flat?

- Oliver Markus Malloy

Did you ever think one day you'd live through a global pandemic, with a doomsday virus, and the Joker is president? Sounds like a bad made-for-TV scifi movie.

- Oliver Markus Malloy

Democrats care about what's fair and true. Republicans only care about winning, no matter how much they have to lie and cheat.

- Oliver Markus Malloy

Dear Trumptards, so how are you enjoying the beginning of World War 3 so far? Is it all you hoped it would be?

- Oliver Markus Malloy

Dear millennials: Youth is fleeting. Stupid is forever.

- Oliver Markus Malloy

Daily mass killings are a uniquely American problem, because in America every halfwit can get his hands on a gun. You know what angry halfwits do in other countries? They throw potatoes.

- Oliver Markus Malloy

Christians believe that God loves you sooo much he created hell, just in case you don't love him back.

- Oliver Markus Malloy

Christians believe if you love God you go to heaven. If you don't go to heaven, you go to hell. So, if you don't love God, you go to hell. God created everything, including heaven and hell. So he created a torture chamber, in case you don't love him back. Crazy.

- Oliver Markus Malloy

Capitalism is cruelty for money.

- Oliver Markus Malloy