Rita Rudner quotes

Rita Rudner, an incredible comedian with a knack for hilarious one-liners, has captivated audiences worldwide with her quick wit and charm. Born in Miami, Florida, Rita began her comedy career in New York City, where she quickly gained recognition for her unique style and clever observations. With appearances on popular talk shows like The Tonight Show and Late Night with David Letterman, Rita's career soared to new heights. Her relatable and humorous take on relationships, everyday life, and the quirks of modern society have made her a household name. Whether performing live or starring in her own HBO specials, Rita Rudner continues to leave audiences in stitches with her sharp comedic timing and endearing persona. Don't miss the chance to experience the laughter and joy that Rita Rudner effortlessly brings to the stage. Book your tickets now for a night of unforgettable comedy!

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

- Rita Rudner

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

- Rita Rudner

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

- Rita Rudner

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

- Rita Rudner

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

- Rita Rudner

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

- Rita Rudner

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

- Rita Rudner

My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.

- Rita Rudner

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

- Rita Rudner

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

- Rita Rudner

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

- Rita Rudner

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

- Rita Rudner

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

- Rita Rudner

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

- Rita Rudner

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

- Rita Rudner

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

- Rita Rudner

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

- Rita Rudner

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

- Rita Rudner

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

- Rita Rudner

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

- Rita Rudner

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

- Rita Rudner

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

- Rita Rudner

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

- Rita Rudner

Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

- Rita Rudner

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

- Rita Rudner

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

- Rita Rudner

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

- Rita Rudner

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

- Rita Rudner

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

- Rita Rudner

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

- Rita Rudner