Ron Swanson quotes

Explore the witt and wisdom of Ron Swanson, the ultimate rugged individualist and lover of all things bacon, as he expounds on life, liberty, and the pursuit of prudence. Discover his hilarious and insightful quotes on our website!

Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.

- Ron Swanson

[On bowling] Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.

- Ron Swanson

In my opinion, not enough people have looked their dinner in the eyes and considered the circle of life.

- Ron Swanson

An hour ago a giant fireball consumed my entire face and it was far preferable to spending another second with you.

- Ron Swanson

I’ve had the same haircut since 1978 and I’ve driven the same car since 1991. I’ve used the same wooden comb for three decades. I have one bowl. I still get my milk delivered by horse.

- Ron Swanson

People who buy things are suckers.

- Ron Swanson

I'll take that steak to go. Please and thank you.

- Ron Swanson

The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer's teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.

- Ron Swanson

Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.

- Ron Swanson

If it doesn’t have meat, it’s a snack.

- Ron Swanson

I like some changes. Like when I change a tree into a canoe, or a wife into an ex-wife.

- Ron Swanson

I enjoy government functions like I enjoy getting kicked in the nuggets with a steel toed boot.

- Ron Swanson

On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.

- Ron Swanson

There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that's lying about being milk.

- Ron Swanson

There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.

- Ron Swanson

The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds and die of a heart attack at 43, you can! You are free to do so. To me, that’s beautiful.

- Ron Swanson

Is Star Wars the one with the wizard boy?

- Ron Swanson

Well, I am not usually one for speeches. So, goodbye.

- Ron Swanson

I'm a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women, and breakfast food.

- Ron Swanson

Please and thank you.

- Ron Swanson

If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.

- Ron Swanson

My only official recommendations are US Army-issued mustache trimmers, Morton's Salt, and the C.R. Lawrence Fein two inch axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.

- Ron Swanson

No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here's April and Andy's: A hammer, a half eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.

- Ron Swanson

Don't waste energy moving unless necessary.

- Ron Swanson

I don't want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.

- Ron Swanson

When people get a little too chummy with me I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don't really care about them.

- Ron Swanson

Once a year, every branch of this government meets in a room and announces what they intend to waste taxpayer money on.

- Ron Swanson

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish… and feed yourself. He's a grown man. And fishing's not that hard.

- Ron Swanson

Fish, for sport only, not for meat. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.

- Ron Swanson

There is only one bad word: taxes.

- Ron Swanson